Initially going into this week of prayer that we’ve had, I saw a lot of people really pumped up about the amazing things that God was going to do in us and through us this week, but I was a little apprehensive about it. Maybe because it’s been a really long time since I’ve actually seen God do something ABSOLUTELY amazing in my life or someone else’s, or a general pessimism that I normally have. Looking back on this week now, I know it was a good experience; the time I spent in prayer was really nice, and gave me some time to recuperate with God, and be with him in a way that I never do too often. But I still have yet to see God do something relatively amazing happen around me.

I’ve pretty much had a really bad quarter, I feel really crappy and useless in the things that I need to do, falling short on responsibilities, with no way to get out of this pit I’ve fallen into. I think I’ve just gotten worse at the things I’m usually good at, have little time (if any at all) for the things that I would like to do to rejuvenate me, I’m worried about how everything is going to be resolved in the future, whether I will get into my major, and it’s really been frustrating these past few months. In addition to this, I’m perpetually sick and generally weird feeling, with other random things that make absolutely no sense medically, so body is just feeling like blehch. I’m looking to God, and wondering ‘why is all this happening to me? why do I keep failing? why isn’t something wonderful coming around now?’

I find myself thinking and looking through the story of Job, and the calamities that God allowed to befall him. Everything he had was taken from him, his livestock, his family, even the comfort of having a body not constantly plagued with itching. Job questions why all this has happened to him, and his three supposedly ‘wise, older’ friends who are with him spend most of the time trying to figure which sin God is punishing him for, which proves fruitless. In the end, a young man named Elihu and God pretty much question the questioner, asking why Job is challenging the will of God, who created the heavens and the Earth, and hold dominion over many other things described (I still think the dragon that God describes at the end is just plain cool); God’s intentions and plans are deeper and more mysterious than any person could ever imagine.

I trust that God still has a good plan for me, but I am at a loss to see where any of it is, and the frustrations in my life right now are only compounding to the clouding of anything God would have me see. Pray that I find peace and rest with God in this issue, that maybe God would reveal his plan for me, because I’m just plain lost.